Pamatid-Gutom

paranoia.

2008-06-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

nakaramdam
nakaramdam lang
hindi na makaramdam
nakikiramdam
nagdadamdam
makararamdam kaya ulit?

nag-aalala
may inaalala
hindi niya naalala
magpapaalala
ipapaalala
maalala kaya?

nawawala
nagwawala
winawalang-bahala
ayokong mawala
pero pinapakawalan
mawala nga kaya?

hmm.

2008-05-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

titigil ako
ngunit patuloy ang mundo
mahirap ang humakbang
kung anino ko lang ang nandito

ayokong mag-isa
pero sino ang mayroon ako?
wala sila, wala kahit sino
malayo pa, antagal pang lakbayin nito

ayokong mag-isa
anlamig at ang tigas ng sahig
nakapanlulumo ang imahe sa paligid
anino ko pa ba ang nakikita ko?

ayokong mag-isa
madilim ang naiwang bakas ng nakaraan
mahirap ang daan patungong bukas
makaya ko kaya ito?

ayokong mag-isa
madilim, malamig, nakakatakot
mainam sigurong may kasama dito
sasamahan mo ba 'ko?

nakasulat sa cellphone.

2008-05-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

sana para kang asukal,
sa dulo ng halo-halo ko
na sa paghalo at paghukay
sa huli'ty tamis ang salubong

sana para kang alak,
sa tukador ng lolo ko
na sa paglipas ng buwan at taon
ay di tumatabang, lalong nakalalango

maranas ko pa kayang muli
ang makatikim ng ibang tamis
at malangong tila walang bukas
sa mga bagay na ikaw lang ang nakapagbibigay?

'pagkat marami man ang buhanging kailangan padaluyin
lahat ay mapapawi
kung sa dulo ng lahat
ikaw ang maaaninag

prayer.

2008-02-26T08:05:00.001-08:00

Mumunting apoy, kasayaw malamig na hangin
Tanglaw sa nakapanlulumong dilim ng gabi
Apoy ng pag-asa, tangan-tangan sa dibdib ko

Ang diwa ko'y nanambit ng ilang panalangin
Diyos mahabagin, dalangin ko'y Iyong dinggin.

Sa mataimtim na pagpikit ng aking mata
Sa pagkapit ng mga kamay sa bawat isa
Sa mabagal na hinga, sa bitiw ng salita.

~
Panginoon ko, pagpalain po sana sila
silang mga kapatid ko sa paglingkod Sa'yo
na sa aming mabatong landas na tinatahak
kami'y manatili sa Iyong mga gabay."

"Na kung anumang hidwaan ang aming maranas
ay mapasaayos ng aming pagkakapatid.
Hindi kami malulong sa mga kamunduhan
Manindigan sa aming mga paniniwala"

Dalangin sa mga kapatid ko kay Kristo,
Diyos na maawain, nawa'y ako'y marinig
~
iisang dugong nananalaytay sa 'ming ugat
pamilya: kapatid, at mga naglalang sa 'kin.

"Panginoon ko, nawa'y manumbalik sa kanila
pag-aaruga, na mistulang nilimot nila
pagkalinga, na sa daan ng oras, nawala
pagmamalasakit, na parang hindi na dama"

"Na maturingan namin ang kadakilaan Mo
kaming mga kabahagi ng pamilyang ito
higitan ng pagmamahal ang pighati't galit
paghihiwalay o pag-alis, 'wag po sasapit"

Dalangin sa nag-iisang pamilya kong hirang
Diyos Ama, sa 'yong yakap nawa'y kami magsama

~
Sila na mga pinakamalapit sa akin
Mga taong bumubuo sa aking sarili.
Mga kabahagi na yata ng aking diwa
Mga kapisan ko sa karimlan at liwanag

"Panginoon ko, lubos ang pasasalamat ko
dahil nagtagpu-tagpo ang aming mga landas
naging mapalad sa 'kin ang ikot ng tadhana
kanilang pagdamay, aking ginugunita."

"dasal ko lang po na sila ay huwag mawalay
at sa kanilang aruga 'ko'y laging mahimlay
patnubayan Niyo nawa at laging gabayan
sila sana'y hindi maghirap at pasakitan"

mga dasal para sa kanilang mahalaga
payak man at ito lang aking maiaalay
mula naman ito sa kaila-ilaliman
ng isip, puso't diwa.

rambling.

2008-01-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

"isang malaking kahibangan ang lahat ng ito" wika ng boses sa kaliwa sa kanya. "hindi na lingid pa sa ating lahat na ang kanyang kapit sa nakaraa'y wala pa ring kasing higpit. hindi naman yatang marapat na isawalang-bahala ito at pikit-matang ipagpatuloy pa ang lahat ng ito." kanyang patuloy na pagsasalita. mahahalata ang dahan-dahang pagkaubos ng kanyang pagkamahinahon sa bawat salitang kanyang sasambitin.

tumugon naman ang boses sa silangang bahagi ng hapag, "matagal na tayong pikit-matang tumahak sa landas na ito. alam nating lahat na sa pakikibaka dito ay ang kasiguraduhan ng sakit."

"ngunit hindi pa ba sapat ang ating natamo upang matauhang tuluyan at wakasan na ang kahibangang ito?" mariing pagsagot ng tao sa kanluran.

"sa landas na ito, isang kakarampot lang na bahagi ang sakit sa mga dapat na pagtiisan. wala rin namang talagang nakadadalumat ng lalim ng ating pinagdadaanan. walang nakaaalam, ginoo" na mistulang malamig na tubig na ipinampatay sa nag-aalab na damdamin ng kanluranin. "Ginoo, sa ating patuloy na pagsuyo, pinaghandaan nating lahat ng maaaring kahantungan ng pagtahak sa landas na ito." dagdag pa niya'y, "hindi ba't isang kaakit-akit na wakas ang naghihintay sa atin, kung siya nga bang itinadhana ang tagumpay natin dito?"

"oo nga't nalalapit na sa kabanalan ang ganda na maaring naghihintay sa atin, ngunit, hindi mawaglit sa isipan ko ang kanyang kapit sa nakaraan" sagot niya't pag-iling ng ulo. "wala na tayong nakita, narining o nasaksihan kundi ang mga patunay na hindi siya bibitiw. sa ating mga tangkang pakikipag-usap ay walang naging pagtugon, ngunit sa kanyang mga pakikisalamuha ay patuloy lang ang kanyang pagbanggit sa nakaraan. mahirap mang aminin ngunit, masakit mga ginoo - lahat na ay gagawin mo at ibinigay mo para sa kanya, ngunit walang nagiging bunga ang ating mga ginagawa."

"hindi mo ba naalala?" mabilis na sagot ng nasa silangan. "may mga ibinigay na rin namang mga tugon na maaring senyales din ng ating paglapit sa ating adhika. sa ating patuloy na pagtahak ay nakakita rin naman tayo ng mga kabagayang maaring isang pagtanaw sa ating mga ginawa." tahimik pa ring tugon ng silanganin, mistulang hindi nababagabag sa muling pag-alab ng damdamin ng kanluranin. "maliliit na bagay na ating itinago sa ating mga puso't diwa tulad ng sa pagkita ng mamahaling kagamitan. ganito na lang ang ating pagnanais makamtan ang ating adhika, na ang bawat maliit na bagay na nagiging sukli ng ating mga gawa ay itinatago nating parang mga bata sa kanilang unang sulyap sa pera." muli niyang pinaalala sa kanluranin, "kahit minsa'y nakakuha tayo ng isang maliit na sulyap sa ating maaring kahinatnan, at anong langit sa piling ng ating adhika! kung alam lang niyang siya ang ating adhikain."

napangisi sa pag-alala ang kanluranin, "totoo, totoo. tayo nga'y nabigyang silip ng langit sa ating sandali at bahagyang pagtamo ng ating adhika, ako ma'y lubos ding natuwa at nasiyahan sa mga minsanang pagkakataong nabibigay sa atin." ngunit mabilis ding nawala ito at bumalik ang kanyang dating madilim na pagtanaw, "sana lang ay hindi lang tayo pinaaasa dito, mga ginoo."

"kung magkagayunman, masaya na akong naghanap, nagsubok at nakaramdam kaysa sa hinayaang lumampas ang isang katulad niya." tugon ng silanganin. "ikaw ba, puno, ano sa iyong palagay? ika'y natatahimik magmula pa kanina."

pagkatapos ng napakatagal na pagkakatahimik ay nagsalita din ang ginoo sa kabisera ng hapag, "wala na akong nakita pang lulubos pa sa kariktan at alindog ng ating inaadhika." wika niya sa dalawa. "ngunit, kung nasaan man ang kanyang katapatan ay dapat nating bigyang-galang ito. kung hindi man sa atin mapunta ang ating nais, mapalad ang taong makabibighani sa kanya." malungkot niyang dagdag. "ngunit, mga kapatid, tayo ay nabigyan ng isang pagkakataon upang mapalapit, o kung papalarin, ay mabigyang-katuparan ang ating mga nais. sa isang piging, doon tayo gagalaw" dagdag niya na may liwanag sa kanyang mga mata.

"Tama ang kanyang sinabi, buti nang hindi nagtagumpay, basta't sumubok."

~~~~

UPI DYOAA APBR JOZ, FPM'Y UPI? NIY DYOAA, EOAA UPI HP YP YJR QTPZ EOYJ ZR?

something drew took from somewhere else.

2008-01-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder, "what happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f*cking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an a$$hole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f*cked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the sh!t and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't f*cking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

southern girl

2007-11-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

the vid's got a slight error.

anyways, this reminds me of "Akin Ka na Lang" by itchyworms

~~~~
Is everything a baited hook?
And are there locks on all doors?
If you're looking for an open book
Look no further, I am yours

We'll behave like animals
Swing from tree to tree
We can do anything
That turns you up and sets you free

You're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarity
You're all I ever wanted
Southern girl
Could you want me?

So come outside and walk with me
We'll try each other on to see if we fit
And with our roots, become a tree
To shade what we make, under it

We'll behave like animals
Swing from tree to tree
We can do anything
That turns you up and sets you free

You're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarity
You're all I ever wanted
Southern girl
Could you want me?

panaginip

2007-10-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

this song's too good for me not to share. it'll be a sin if i don't.
love the lyrics, the music, everything.=)
~~~
http://www.tristancafe.com/music/flash/panaginip_pot.html
Laging nawawala
Laging naghahanap sayo 
Walang magagawa
Laging naghihintay sayo
Kulayan mo ngyn ang aking mundo
Lagyan liwanag at buhay
Di inaasahang sapitin mo ito
Langit sa gitna ng yakap mo

Sa panaginip lang
Tanging walang kapantay
Sa panaginip lang
Tanging walang kapantay

Walang katulad pa 
Sarap ng ating pagsasama
Tanging ligaya ka
Laman ng isip ko sa tuwina ...
Kulayan mo ngyn aking mundo
Bigyan liwanag at buhay
Di inaasahang sapitin mo ito 
Langit sa gitna ng yakap mo.. 

Kapag nagdidilim
Nagiintay parin ako 
Kahit na sa panaginip lang
Nanabik parin ang puso ko

sa panaginip lang kita makakasama

inaantok.

2007-09-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

gave what i had to give.

met some new cool people

though, still didn't say all that needed saying.

family grar

2007-09-04T08:23:00.001-07:00

i feel all goody-goody and stuff, i'll take the day off on friday to attend my sister's retreat. My mom really can't go, her boss from Ireland is coming. My dad, well, i really don't know. but he says he's busy with stuff, so i'll take his word for it.

the thing with it, coincidentally, i sort of felt bad towards my parents the night ago. i felt bad 'cuz they won't let me go sa household meeting ng YFC upper. i felt bad even if it was my fault, asking for permission right around their sleeping time. they were asking why there wasn't any adult to accompany us to the meeting, or why does the meeting have to end at 7:30pm, or why am i going all 'nagpapakamartir' for the YFC. well, really, i thought of the reason why i was 'nagpapakamartir': i was looking for affection in other places, since home didn't really give that home-y sort of affection.

i'll never forget what my mom said before i went to bed. "magaling ka lang magpaalam; 'pag trabaho na, wala na.", she told me. that's why i felt bad, those words got buried in me. my parents were some of the people i thought of when i wrote "things unsaid". i never really took the chances i had to tell them how much i appreciate them or how i sometimes disliked what they do to me and my sister. at the same time, they didn't see just how much i try to prove myself to them. they didn't see that i was trying to be the son they want mo to be, i really don't know why. i remembered a text message sent to me (or at least it sounded like this): "we always complained that our parents aren't good enough, not understanding enough or whatever. but we should ask ourselves, are we the child our parents want us to be?". that hit me like a piece of debris from outerspace flying at 60,000mph. so yeah, funny that all my thoughts got reversed: my parents are wonderful people, it just sucked for them to have me for a son.

well yeah, really, my parents are wonderful people. my dad was a cum laude grad from university of san carlos in cebu, BSME. my mom was a ust grad, BSChE. good genes, eh? but then again, i thought, i'm not bad for a son either. i mean, my grades aren't great, but at least i don't give them problems and i'm active with extra-curricular work.

well, speaking of extra-curriculars, my parents really never felt the YFC thing in me. they feel like with or without the YFC, i'l just bum around, like i always do. given his way, he'd rather have me in karate than in the YFC. they always wondered why i went home late, or why i always leave during weekends. a moment that i loved was when my dad asked, "tinatapatan mo ba yung ginawa ko dati?" and i answered: "no pa, i'm trying to make my own identity here"

where's the unaffectionate drama you were ranting about kanina? you might ask. well, here it is.

i'm not an affectionate person. no one in his/her right mind will describe me as sweet or sensitive. i could say something (really awkward moment) sweet, pero ask me to repeat it, i won't. siguro its the claretian in me, na dapat tigas, walang sweet sweet.

so why in the burning corridors of hell am i writing about affection? well, even for someone like me, i could still use a "thank you", a "hey, that's nice" or a "kamusta na?" from people once in a while. and that, that's the part where it all goes wrong. hindi na uso sa bahay 'yun eh. i tell them about my grades, they frown, say its not good enough, then utos na ulit. i tell them i'm one if the VPs of YFC, no reaction lang. tipong paiinumin ka na lang ng gamot, pagagalitan ka pa. i try to talk to them (its my way of being affectionate na) pero they're too busy with what they are doing and just shove things aside. so yeah, that sort of sucks for me, a KSP at heart.

just to get an idea, the first thing my dad tells me when he gets home is to fill up our washing machine. and its been weeks since i said goodnight to him.

the cool part is, nagiging close kami ng sis ko because of this. 'cuz we're both on the receiving side of our parents' rants, so we've got no choice but to stick together. it feels good and awkward when we talk about our parents. i tell her na its just the way it is, and that i got worse. she tells me her complaints and stuff.

i'm going to her retreat this friday, who cares if i miss school? is there anybody reading this? well, i don't really care, this is another outlet for the stuff inside me. so its okay if no one reads. but it feels good too when someone does.

ang shallow noh? pero well, that's how i feel and this is my blog, so bear with me.

so yeah, the inner KSP in me just got unleashed, again.

rare lang naman 'to eh, palampasin mo na.

Children's Party, anyone?

2007-09-01T08:20:00.001-07:00

maputi ang mukha, bahagharing kasuotan
malaking entablado, harap ng madlang tao
siya ang tagapaghatid ng katatawanan
kabayanihang para sa ating kamusmusan

magawa kayang makapaghatid sa sarili
ligayang kaparis ng doon sa mga bata
o mananatiling isang pagtatanghal lahat
maliligayang mga halakhak at hagikgik?

sa loob ng damit na mistulang bahaghari
isang pusong pigil at tahimik sa paghikbi
sa likod ng makukulay na mga maskara,
mukhang puno ng panlulumo't paghihikahos

sa marahang pagsambit ng kanyang salamangka
ay dahas ng sigaw ng diwang sumasamo
sa kanyang makalokoha't k'welang mga gawi
ay siya namang lumo at lungkot ng kanyang buhay

makayanan niya nga kaya ang mapamarisan
ang liwanag sa ngiti ng batang naaaliw?
o tuluyang mapanghihinaan, makukulong
sa madidilim na katotohanan ng buhay?

saan pa man mapadako - liwanag o dilim,
tuloy ang palabas at tuloy ang pagtatanghal
kahit kasinungaligan sa sarili lahat
kailangan muling makita ng tao ang galak

narito ang madla, masigabong palakpakan
narito ako, sa matrabahong paghahanda
panandaliang paglimot sa sakit at dilim
pagharap sa liwanag ng pang-aaliw ng tao

...pagkat ako, ako ang payaso.

goodnight...

2007-08-26T08:50:00.001-07:00

humimbing ka, aking kerubin
hindi ka nila masasaktan
itigil mo ang mga hikbi
ako'y nasa tabi mo lamang

huwag ka na mabahala pa
ligtas ka sa aking pag-akap
mga anino sa puso mo'y
manliliwanag, tatanglawan

humimbing ka, aking kerubin
humimlay ka ng matahimik
limutin nating silang lahat
silang mapang-api't malupit

'di ka nila magagambala
walang makapupukaw sa'yo
'di ka nila malalapitan
ako ang sayo'y magbabantay

humimbing ka, aking kerubin
walang higit pang mapayapa
sa iyong matang matahimik
sa hinhin ng iyong paghinga

sa diwang mabuti't banayad
sa iyong malumay na rikit
sa matahimik na pagngiti
ay wala ng hahanapin pa

things unsaid..

2007-08-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

kung pwede lang ipagsigawan sa mundo
kung pwede lang ipangalandakan sa'yo
kung pwede lang ilabas ko nang lahat 'to
pwede ba, pwedeng may sabihin sa'yo?

hindi lang talaga makayanang ilantad
bakal sa dibdib, bigat 'di mabitawan
'di lang alam saan ang simulang dapat
pader, pamigil sa bibig, nagmistula

saksi silang mga naliwanagan ko
alam nila ang hirap na inabot ko
maintindiha't madalumat mo lang,
kahit kalingkingan ng mga hiniling

pero sa pagpaparamdam, sadyang pulpol
kaya't sa isang tulad ko, kasawian
silang mga hindi masambit ang minimithi
manlumo lang, tunganga sa alapaap

doon sa malayong dako, iyong nais
hindi makalalapit, maliban nalang kung...
"may sasabihin lang ako ng mabilis,
hindi mo naitatanong na... 'wag na nga."

wishing..

2007-08-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

hiling sa nagniningning na bulalakaw
hiling, kaakibat ang barya, sa mga balon.
hiling sa mga nanahimik nang santong poon
hiling sa bawat pamahiing alala't limot

bulong sa hangin, sana ay makarating
sa Kanya, na ang lahat ay kayang tupdin
nawa'y mapagbigyan ang aking dalangin
nawa'y makita ang aking pagkasabik

matinding pagnanais at pag-aasam
sadyang mapagpumilit na kalooban
alab ng pag-asang gunita ng puso
ibibigay, pagbibigyan ang mithiin

hindi mapakali, hindi mapalagay
matupad nga kaya? saan? p'ano?
makamundo ba't maramot ang hiningi?
o marapat at mabuti ang hiniling?

sana, isang nakapanlulumong sana.
hanggang dito na lang ba, mga balak niya?
o kalabanin, siyang nakalaan na
mabigyang katuparan lang, siyang sinisinta?

unreachable

2007-08-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

sala ba ang kakitaan siya,
rikit na nahigtan ang iba,
kaloobang sadyang busilak,
at talinong nakamamangha?

ngunit sa aking pagkaakit
nalimot ko na siya lamang ay
isang matayog na adhika
isang malalim na mithiin
pagharap sa mga daluyong
paghawak sa hanging mailap

'sang dangkal, pinanghahawakan:
ako'y marapat, siya'y sininta.
dal'wampung dipa ng totoo:
kalingkingan ka lamang nila.
inutil, para pa gawin 'to
mabigong wala pang simula

hindi lahat ay madadaan
sa dikta ng kabog ng dibdib
ng diwang mapagmataas, at
ng maramot na pagkaakit.

sa huli, ito lang ang nais:
makita kanyang mga ngiti
na ang kanyang galak ay ganap
kahit 'di ako ang maghatid.

isang mababaw na paglibing
sa pagtingin sa kanyang iba

bwaha.=)

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Create your own Friend Test here

extempo

2007-08-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

dated august 14, 2007

im not really a hundred percent today. i don't know why, but i feel like writing.

"people ask me, 'how do you do it?' i tell them 'i don't know, maybe its just the way i am'. but really, how do i do it? i don't. i delude myself that i'm actually doing it, but its all a joke and people actually believe me."

for days i've been thinking about that statement. i don't know if i dreamt about it or what, all i know is that it keeps on popping whenever i think up of something. It is quite true though, but hell, why am i writing this? i don't know, really. maybe this cold is getting to my head; or maybe its beacause i know i'll pass my exams, but not with the marks i want; maybe its the rice i ate back at the House of Sisig, which is the only meal i had for today; or maybe because the KSP inside me is just screaming for attention (nah, i dont think so. i just want this post as raw as possible. i'm not gonna delete anything i write); maybe he's the one at fault, you who has bothered me for days now.

i dont know, something just doesnt feel right here. i have this biiiiiig worry that something's gonna come up. something i don't like, something that'll hurt. and i'm actually gonna use the thing in italics up there. i really don't know. i have the urge of buying myself my own supply of alcohol, just because of that worry. i have this worry that i'll actually cry, for reasons people would never believe that i would cry for. (that last sentence sounded awkward, sorry for that. but the no deleting thing is still on, except for typos, of course.)

i feel weird, rereading what i've typed up in this untitled text file. it doesn't sound like me, not like me at all. do i sound negative? i shouldn't sound negative. im always positive, always happy.

i need music *opens WMP* yess, stellar. just what i need.

is it wrong to worry? to be mad? to wish for something? (i just violated my rule there. but no, i can't have that word talaga). and no, im not mad. but really, i think i'll (change that, i think i MIGHT) be. i hope i'll be sad than angry. its easier being down than being enraged.

stellar's over. ooh, its summer romance. another great song.

and just to make things clear, this post is not directed to anyone. im not mad at anyone. i dont feel anything negative towards anyone. (because people might say that i'm not mad but i hate someone)

this actually feels good, putting into words things you thought you can't. do people actually read the crap written here? i don't know. but its okay, its a good feeling when you get things off your head, something like a pensieve.

and i dont want the world to see me, 'cause i dont think that they'll understand.

for some reason, i wanted to type that (maybe because im listening to iris now.)

please make me happy, don't get me wrong though, i am happy but i can be happier. read my other post, the one that has sense in it. i don't really think that someone other than me will read this far down a post that's utterly worthless.

but this is all true, the worries, the fears, the feelings. but don't worry, i'm fine, like i always am.

i dont wanna stop writing though, but i have to. this is too much crap for one day.

i already closed notepad, i was already lying in bed, then i remembered - please, this is not emo. i beg of you not to think that way.

simple joys

2007-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

During our last praisefest, we talked about our "simple joys" - little things that make us really happy. i remember drew saying his simple joy was a sundae cone; marti, a cold bottle of c2; rani, to eat and to eat a lot (not to mention going to trinoma with those...) and migo, to serve. i couldn't really remember the entire list of simple joys (you were supposed to give 3, and loads of people were there). so yeah.

i can remember mine though, i said: a PC (4GHz, 2GB RAM, 1GB vid card and a 1GBPS connection), a cellphone that has infinite load and drinks that are so cold, it hurts.

well, to think, those weren't simple (except 3) and those weren't really the things that made me really happy (except 3 ulit.)

this is my real list of simple joys, now they're really simple and they really make me happy:
(in no particular order)

1. Good Morning
i love morning greetings. not those greetings na pinangangalandakan na hindi siya para sa'yo at GM siya (un tipong may ****GM****). I know that im not the only guy people say good morning to, but i dunno, call me selfish or what but i sorta like it if it was sent one by one. (that's how i do it)

2. Food
im 20lbs overweight, that's it. everything - from Kuya Paul's longganisa in the morning, to the different versions of tapsilog, Ate Inday's Chicken, my mom's chili wings, my cousin's pasta, McChicken Burger, maraming french fries, biggie combo number 9 sa Wendy's, 7 cups of rice and sisig sa House of Sisig, french fries ulit, retreat food, japanese food sa Sugi resto, TGI Friday's steak, La Maison's Steak and all others i forgot to mention. oh, and did i mention french fries?

3. Iced Tea and Coffee
White Chocolate Dream from TCB, White Choco something from RnB, Bottled Oolong tea from Sugi, Peppermint tea from the Tea Square, Peppermint Tea from RnB, C2 lemon, C2 white, C2 forest fruits, lipton iced tea, lipton red tea, San Mig Extra Strong blend coffee, One strawberry, nescafe instant, plain oolong tea, plain jasmine tea and other other stuff.

4. Chocolate
Some chemical in it that makes me happy. anything chocolate. chocolate = love.

5. Tambay
Marble tables, Guidance, Classroom or anywhere. Kahit saan naman yata, pag andun kami, may tumatawa - all thanks to my ever-lovable barkada. Laughing with them is happiness. ish ober. but really, you dont have to be part of the barkada to tambay with me or with us. kahit sino naman, pwede eh.

6. Music
Anything from Drew or Marti's iPod, a rap tune from Luke, songs from the guitar dudes (Drew, Joko, Domeng), my phone or anything that makes a sound (even the echo from the umbrella) is music. its my escape from harsh, biting truths of life.

7. Incubus
Here in my Room, Megalomaniac, Are you in?, Wish you were here, Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Love Song), STELLAR, Anna Molly, I miss you, Psychocilocybin, a certain shade of green

8. Hey, wala lang.
i like it when people text me about nothing. something like "ui" or "hey" or "yo" or "lalang". makes me think that they actually remember (do they really?). so yeah, i like it when they do that. im used to gettin texts like: 'hey, pagawa ng..' or 'pano ung...?' or 'meron ka...?'. so for a change, it'll be cool if people actually wanted to talk and stuff=)

9. Football
Not the serious, varsity level football. just the casual 7 a side game, with lots of laughing, cussing and ginga. 360 spin, stepover, double stepover, no-look-one-touch pass, nutmeg, backheel nutmeg, nutmeg goal, backheel goal, powershooting, grasscutters, rainbow = ginga = happiness.

10. You
yeah, you. if you're reading this, then we must be pretty close. You're my simple joy then. continue to hang out with me, ayt? *hug*

now go, make me happy=D

this sucks

2007-08-05T07:41:00.000-07:00

i don't like this. no, not at all. stress and other shit keeps me from my concentration. God help me.

happy birthday.

2007-08-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

hey sis,

happy birthday =). how're you? hope things are good there.

Things are fine here, but of course, we can't avoid a few bumps along the way. I still rebel a lot on our parents, especially these past few days. lagi na nga akong napapagalitan eh, haha. but im fine, i always am. Louise and I still argue, as always. pero i think she's more mature now since we're arguing less and stopped fighting over the simplest of things. with her maturity though, i think she's sort of becoming like me, rebellious and a warfreak. she just told me kanina, "carlo, warfreak ka ba?" and i was like, "yeah, baket?" she went, "ah okay, sa'yo pala ako nagmana". That's actually fine with me, since im assured she won't be stepped on.

School's a killer too. I'm not flunking, but im sort of stressed of out from doing projects for people ('course that comes with a fee. you know me, haha^^). and there's a freaking lot of 90-general-average people in my class so that's another problem, dad's gonna freak out (again!) if he finds out that im in the bottom five of the class top ten then add the pressure of my own projects, which i have to do in near-perfect accuracy and precision since i've been relaxing the entire quarter. and i sort of hate my english teacher, (thank God she's an english teacher 'cause 52+3 sure as hell isn't 58) i dont learn anything from her (thank God again that i already know what she's teaching), and she is hella irritating. Removing her from the equation, school's pretty good on the total, just a few minor scratches on the surface (tapos sabi ko kanina it was a killer, labo eh noh?).

though still, your brother is still sane. Thanks to my barkada and the rest of my close friends. mga last week ago, we formed the "official" barkada, they're the best, i love 'em, haha. oh and, did i tell you? i'm now the VP for special projects for the YFC. lalang, haha. basically people are still the same, you know them naman eh, so you know what's up with who.

so yeah, i think that's all. i'll see you, as in the real thing, maybe a couple of decades from now.

14 ka na diba, so its been 14 years na pala, i didn't even notice. happy birthday=).

yours,
carlo

satisfied

2007-07-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

posting from 3rd year comlab

damn. that was one of the best punches ever thrown at me. 20 minutes after, it still hurts like crazy. congrats to mister Bejerano for busting my arm.=)

a prayer

2007-07-08T01:28:00.000-07:00

Please....

2007-06-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

... comment on my posts. Whether i know you or not. whether you give a damn or not. whoever you are, gimme a chunk of your thoughts. pleeease? all comments are welcome, even those everything-you-do-is-like-shit comments. aayt? thanks.=)

wag nang magtatanong.

2007-06-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

hindi na kagulat-gulat sa kanya na humantong muli sa ganito ang kanyang pakikipag-usap sa kanyang mga magulang.

umaga pa lang ay hindi na naging maganda ang simula ng kanyang araw. ang bumati sa kanya ay ang isang nanggigising na ama; pinukaw siya hindi dahil ika-10 na ng umaga, o dahil kailangan na kumain ng almusal, kundi para bumili ng beer. Ito na yata ang pinakaayaw niya sa lahat ng inuutos sa kanya; hindi dahil apat na kanto pa ang kailangang niyang lakarin, hindi dahil mahapdi pa ang kanyang mata sa antok, ngunit dahil hindi niya masikmura na siya pa ang naging tulay sa pagkakalulong ng kanyang ama sa bisyo niya.

kahit hindi na naging maganda ang simula ng araw niya, sinubukan pa rin niyang magkaroon ng mas maganda pagtingin sa mga natitirang oras, kung iisipin, matagal pa naman ang araw, baka gumanda pa. ngunit, ang maliit na pag-asang pinanghahawakan niya na gaganda pa ang araw na ito ay parang kukunin pa.

sanay na siyang nauutusan, parang paghinga na lang sa kanya ito. pero, ang siyang ikinasama ng kanyang loob ay kung anong ayos na kanyang tanong ay siyang pabalang na sagot sa kanya. na kung pagsalitaan siya ng masama ay ganun-ganun na lang subalit madalang na madalang na may marining siyang maganda sa kanyang ginagawa na kahit pasasalamat lang ay wala pa.

"ansarap", ganun lagi ang sinasabi niya kung napakalakas ng pagsabi sa kanya ng "gago", "tatanga-tanga" o iba pang salita. masarap dahil parang nakuha nilang magustuhan na sabihan siya ng ganun, na parang ansarap sa kanila na sabihin na sa kanya ang mga bagay na iyon.

nagngingitngit niyang ginawa ang mga inutos sa kanya. "ano? galit ka na niyan?" ginalaw niya ang ulo, "hindi po", "siguraduhin mo lang", sabay turo sa kanya. ano nga naman ang karapatan niyang magalit? wala nga naman silang ginawang masama. naisip niya na kaya pala nakukuha niyang laging maging masaya ay dahil sa pamilya niya: hindi siya pinapayagang makaramdam ng kahit ano pa kundi saya lamang, iyon at iyon lang. minsan nga'y nagduda pa ang isang malapit na kaibigan kung nakakaramdam pa ba siya ng ibang damdamin maliban sa saya.

sinubukan siyang biruin ng kanyang mga pinsan habang sila'y kumakain. walang naging silbi ito habang mabilis niyang kinain ang kanyang tanghalian. mabilis, dahil masakit na ang mga mata niya sa pagpigil ng luha. buti na lamang at hinuhugasan na niya ang kanyang kubyertos ng tuluyan nang bumigay ang kanyang mga mata. mabilis niyang nabanlawan ang kanyang mata at dali-daling kumaripas sa kanyang silid.

dito'y ilan pang luha ang dumaloy sa kanyang mata. hindi niya alam kung bakit nagkaganoon siya, hindi naman niya iniiyakan ang mga ganoon, minsan nga'y mas malala pa. siguro'y dahil hindi na niya kinaya na ang bahay ay bahay na lamang: isang malamig na gusaling konkreto. wala na ang init ng pamilya, wala ang pag-aaruga. dalawang bagay na lang ang nangyayari 'pag kinakausap siya ng magulang: pinapagalitan o inuutusan.

ilan pang mga luha ang gumulong sa kanyang mga pisngi.

tinawag na siyang muli.

"tama na 'to"

....

i know...

2007-06-19T08:00:00.001-07:00

... that the background doesnt go well with the text. okay lang yan=)

dont ask me why, what, how or who. just read.

2007-06-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

his coat was hanging from the handle bars on the side of the car. he was anxious and excited as kuya manong continued to drive to one of those posh villages. again and again, he repeated his lines: how he'd greet them a pleasant evening, how he'd ask for her, and how he'd escort her to the car. upon getting there, to his relief, everything went according to his plan - until he saw his partner. she was nothing short of stunning; he just gazed at her in utter admiration and his mind just went straight-out blank.

finally regaining his senses, they went to his car. but just before they entered, he produced something: a silver pendant and necklace - the one she always wanted. he always loved her reaction when he gave something to her - they way her eyes sparkled at the sight of the pendant, they way she'd say 'thank you' to him and even the way she'd look and examine it with fascination. she turned her back on him and lifted her hair and he, not even thinking, just took the necklace and put it around her neck. stunning, just stunning, he thought.

the place was grand: a dimly lit crystal chandelier was hanging from the ceiling, the floor was solid marble and slow romantic music was being played by band on the background. they sat with the usual barkada, people who knew him best and people who knew her somehow. he, his barkada and the rest of the people there just talked casually. moments later, the buffet table was made available. both of them ate lightly, small portions of what was served there.

moments more, after the casual chitchat and dining, the floor was opened.

not the first song, not the second, not the third, maybe the fourth.

he went to the men's room, but he didn't really need to. he thumped his chest and hoped that everything will turn out okay. he went in front of her and just held out his hand, hoping she'd understand what he meant. thankfully, she did. the couple danced, oblivious to the people around them.

two words: "let's go."

he went back to their table, took her bag and took her by the arm and he walked briskly, slightly dragging her. then they went to a light jog, to the parking lot where their car waited. and they drove off, not knowing where'd they go. they settled for a grassy private compound.

"NO TRESPASSING"

he kicked the gate open, and they ran in. grassy, blank, more like a football field. the sky was cloudless and the moon was at its brightest. they sat there, not knowing why they were there or what'll happen if they get caught. they just stared at the stars, moon and felt the cold breeze on their cheeks. he took his coat off and placed it on her shoulders and held her slightly. he could've remained like that for the rest of his life.

yet, out of impulse and seeing her like that, he stood and held out his hand. she wasn't even surprised, it was like they planned it all along, like they were still on the hotel.

they danced, held each other. but it was different, the moon did a better job of lighting them up than the chandelier. moonlight gracefully illuminated her body, her subtle features, highlighted. he always liked her for being she was, never "gorgeous" and yet she had what he liked to call "silent beauty". and they danced, pressing the side of his head against hers. his senses suddenly became sharper - her skin was soft, she smelled sweet and the moonlight even made her look all the more beautiful (even after that jogging). danced, the blow of the wind as their music, the once marble floor now was cold and damp grass.

~~~~~

may ending pa pag nasa mood na 'ko

untitled.

2007-06-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

the sound of a cranky electric fan filled his ears; his eyes saw only shadows from the various objects being hit by the light from the lamp post by the street; he inhaled a mix of his own scent and bedsheets. he didn't notice the assortment of things cluttered around him: nunchucks, arnis sticks, a laptop bag, a can of altoids and even his shirt.

today was yet another day, nothing special. he again endured what he wanted to call being semi-alone: people were around, but it sure as hell felt like they weren't. people, especially his parents, basically talked to him when they needed something or saw something they didn't like. school was more of a routine, more than his classes were scheduled.

his mind wandered, thinking about what happened today: his cranky and miserable AP teacher, how he missed (and finally got) an old-timer adviser (who's really nice, by the way), and the fact that he got a good set of classmates. or that he was able to yet again talk ([bwahaha, manghula ka kung sino]).

and somehow, the dark of the four corners gave more light to him than any other thing. it cooled down his skin, made his eye rest and gave him his silence - even for just a little while. that darkness, contrary to some, was more comforting and gave better company than the household combined. darkness somehow made him remember the happier things in life: the fact that he could still make people laugh or that people still come up to him for help or that his closest friends were there.

amidst the comforting cold, he couldn't help but want more. More of the dark, more of the cold and company. yes, company, someone he can hold or would hold on to him. all he wanted was the cold and darkness of the night and the warmth and radiance of a person.

he soon drifted to sleep. somehow, the darkness was enough - for now.

let none survive.

2007-06-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

For some reason, i create blogs every school year. Gian said the more blogs you have the more magulo you are. so basically, ang gulo ko pala. i went through:

xanga
blogger (blank title)
blogger (still no title)
blogger (comp proj)
multiply (darkchylde - active)
Livejournal (rockin)

so seventh na 'to. Goodluck sa taon na 'to.

for her

2007-06-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

dated August 7, 2006. i really liked it, so i salvaged it from one of my earlier blogs.=)

~~~

same blood are in our vessels

our hearts beating in sync

but no matter how i think of it

your warm embrace i long for

will never be

for the cold truth remains, time cannot bring itself back

the cheeks I never kissed

the hands I never held tight

the voice I never heard

the smiles i never saw

the tears i never wiped

i imagine what would have been

life must have been better

nothing will be the same

its been thirteen years since you passed

missing you badly

dearest sister, i wish you were here